Just a girl trying to find a place in this world

The Moments I Live For

2011-01-04T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today I had one of those moments where you just realize that everything you've been doing is actually paying off. And it was glorious!

I have had a student two years in a row now. She's a sweet girl and I've always enjoyed her in class. However, she has a history of being very volatile and angry. She has a very challenging home life and just kind of needs someone to take her in and care. She often found herself in fights and on the outs with several students. Over the summer she decided to switch to another high school in town. However, circumstance at that new school were not good and she wanted to come back. Our principal sat down with her and discussed her previous actions-- he explained to her that we would love to take her back if she could adjust her behavior. I stood up for this girl when asked whether she should be allowed back. She'd certainly never been any trouble for me (though I had pulled her off another girl in a slapping match a time or two, oh the joy of teaching!). We allowed her to return and she was assigned to my class again. Over the course of this semester I have watched her grow and mature as a student. She is working her butt off to do better and to live up to her promises. When she is tempted to be involved in "drama" she comes to me and talks it out instead. She tells me about her life and I'm happy to listen. And I am sooooo proud of her. So at faculty senate before break I decided to tell the staff about her positive changes (I'm lucky to work at a school that really cares about our kids.) and many staff members agreed. We are all very proud of her.

Today my principal grabbed her in the hall and told her that I had been "bragging" about her and that I had told him how proud I was of her turn around. She just came into my classroom in tears and literally grabbed me into a hug. She said that she just wanted to thank me for always taking time out for her and she said that she'd never had a teacher say nice things about her like that. I explained that I wasn't the only one who was impressed and she left just glowing, thanking me the whole way out.

I always love my job. But things like this remind me of why. ♥ Happiness...

Stop reading my blog

2011-01-03T18:11:00.001-08:00

Fuck you bitch. You know who you are. Stop reading my shit.

___________-

To everyone else, sorry. I'm just tired of having my privacy violated.

Sunrise, sunset

2010-12-10T04:49:00.000-08:00

Today I watched a student teacher teach my first period class. Whoa. When did it happen that I was suddenly the real teacher and there was a student that was supposed to be learning how to teach from me?! This is nuts.

It reminded me so much of my first days of teaching. The absolute fear and exhilaration I felt standing up in front of twenty-something kids and sharing my knowledge with them. I was always determined to be entertaining and to bring complex ideas down to their levels. My very first lesson was on sensory imagery in Amy Tan's short story "Fish Cheeks" for a seventh grade class. I remember what I wore. Black capri slacks, a black and red flowered shirt and a black cardigan. And of course, epic high heels. I planned that lesson for weeks. It was the fall of my tutor year-- my first year in my student teaching experience (three years total) and we didn't even HAVE to teach but I sat in the back of the classroom for three long weeks and I was DYING to teach. I remember feeling like that when I was in high school. I guess I knew then that this was my future. It's never been that I thought I could necessarily do it better (though considering some of my older teachers, I knew I could) but I was this desperate desire to get up there and teach something... anything... to make a difference.

Now I'm sitting behind my desk (MY desk!!!! I still get excited when I get to say that) in MY classroom watching another person go through those first few moments. Watching as he says "um" a million times and winces every time he hears himself do it. I'm thinking of all the ways he could make the lesson better. How he short changed himself on time. I'm watching the classroom and their attitudes shift as they listen... they too are evaluating him. It's intense. Listening to him use them same phrase again and again and not realize the kids still have NO idea what he means when he says it-- and I can't help my internal laughter. Oh Lord, I've been that kid. It makes me happy to see an abstract representation of how far I've come.

I'm not going to evaluate him here because that would be incredibly rude and for those that follow me often, you all can probably guess anyways. But it's amazing how after so much time in the classroom, things are natural and easy.

We forced to write our philosophy of education several times in our college experience and we are asked to update them as each year passes. It's fun to see the things that have changed on mine and the things that haven't changed one bit.

I feel like a good teacher takes several approaches to any one topic. Differentiated instruction at it's finest. That was always my focus in education. To reach every single learner. At least the willing ones. Whether it was through humor or personal examples-- I wanted to strive to make sure no one was left behind (so to speak). It isn't a natural thing to do this-- we tend to want to teach the way we best learn (which is why there are currently five thousand types of seminars on this very topic) and it's certainly a more youthful movement (senior teachers find this method to be a bit ridiculous... but that's sort of the problem too. "What? Reach every learner? Are you crazy? Who do you think I am, God?" tends to be a normal response.) but it's one I feel passionately about.

Whenever I teach a class I envision my friends and loved ones as my students. You see many similar personalities with classes over time. My serious studious students are my Mike's. My challenging, bored, and sleepy students are my John's. My hand raising, extra credit seeking students are my Sheena's. My loud and proud and girl/boy crazy students are my Andrews. My at-risk students are my Matt's. My students hiding themselves for fear of the world lashing back are my Josh's. My trying to find themselves, artsy, timid students are my Rachael's. On and on and on and on. Not that that is all you (if I mentioned your name) or they are but thinking about how I'd help my friends helps me think about how I can help my kiddos. It's really worked for me. And best of all, if I get stumped- I can just ask that individual what would have worked for them. A lot of teachers are against getting on the "student's level" but for me, that's one of the most important things. I like to think my students would say that it makes a difference.

Lasso

2010-12-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

Lasso

When I first laid eyes on you
Well, the night just felt so odd
You looked at me and the stars lined up
So I thought I'd heard from God
And I gave him my best shot

Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado
I tried to hold on to you
Took a ride on a tilt-a-whirl that sits on top of the world
Man, I thought I could show you
I've always been afraid of flying
But you can't blame a girl for trying

Felt like a pearl when I was holding your hand
So precious I forgot
You could have any girl but I only wanted one man
And you were everything I'm not
Still I gave it my best shot

Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado
I tried to hold on to you
Took a turn on a high trapeze swinging over the deep
I thought I could show you
I've always been afraid of flying
But you can't blame a girl for trying

Like a vine bends a tree to the ground
I won't hold you down
I tried to climb just as high
But I found all the clouds touch the ground
In this small town

Took a ride on a high trapeze swinging over the deep
I thought I could show you
That I've always been afraid of flying
But you can't blame a girl for trying
No, you can't blame a girl

Seriously, The Band Perry, these lyrics are epic. If you haven't listened to them yet stop wasting time here and go check them out. Especially if you're a Sugarland fan. ♥

Walk Me Down the Middle

2010-12-04T05:35:00.000-08:00

I was meant to be by your side
And I have waited here a long time
For you to turn around and notice me
But now you're here holdin' hands with me

Walk me down the middle of the county fair
Walk me down the middle like you don't care
Walk me by the ferris wheel and make sure that she sees
Let the whole world know you belong to me

I've heard about your bitter end
'bout how she stole your heart and put it back again
Well I may not be the prettiest girl around
But I sure am a sight for sore, sore eyes

Walk me down the middle of main street
Walk me down where the whole town will be
I don't need no parade but make sure that she sees
Let the whole world know you belong to me

I'd walk through fire for you
Walk through barbed wire for you
I'd walk miles, it's true
Just to be with you

If you'll walk me down the middle of my mama's church
Walk me down that aisle in your finest shirt

Let the whole world know
You will walk me down the middle of the county fair
Oh walk me down the middle like you don't care
Walk me by the ferris wheel and make sure they all see
Let the whole world know you belong to me

This band could be my new obsession. I love simple but highly visual lyrics! Yay! #swoonworthy for sure!

On starting over...and feeling overwhelmed...

2010-11-08T07:25:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up and it hit me. I'm completely overwhelmed.

I know for most people this situation is obvious but as someone who tends to be busy to the max most of the time, I definitely don't notice these things as quickly as someone else might.

I literally woke up this morning feeling like I'd been holding my breath all night. Not a fun start to the morning.

The thing is, there are a lot of uncontrollable forces in my life right now. And I'm trying to do what's right for me and I realize that, unfortunately, what's right for me might not be what is best for everyone else. And I really don't want to disappoint anyone. It's just...I'm in this new life now. Two months ago I was engaged and safe and secure. Now I am single, single, single. And I'm not sure that I'm necessarily ready to mingle. At least not in that capacity yet. But that's neither here nor there. Two months ago I had a best friend that I could count on for anything - but then he fell off the face of the planet and took what was left of my sanity, heart, and soul with him. I went through the darkest days of my life and somehow, here I stand. Still alive, heart still beating. But I think that maybe I was running on adrenaline for a while there. And now it's starting to catch up.

I'm also in this place where people now want to help me out and offer advice and I LOVE that from people but I also need to be free to make my own decisions, to fall, to cry, to crash and burn (wouldn't be the first time), and to pick myself back up.

I'm truly starting over and I don't want to box myself in before I even fully begin. I haven't been in this place since I was like... 15. That was ten years ago. Jesus, THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO! No wonder this all feels so alien sometimes. I'm not the girl I was ten years ago (THANK GOD). I really have no idea what I'm doing half the time but I guess lesson one is that I need to start to accept that.

Still, this control thing-- I like to be in charge of my destiny. I don't sit and wait for life to happen to me, I happen to life. That's part of why I'm in this place to begin with. I decided I wanted to tango with life and life left me partner-less on the dance floor. It happens. Cue Billy Idol's "Dancing with Myself." Good thing I like that song. I mean, this is the type of situation books are written about. I'm this twenty-five year old young woman who had everything she thought she needed, woke up, realized she didn't, set out for a change, lost everything in the gamble and now- it's round two. Stakes are higher in some capacities. There's a lot further to fall. There are things going on that I can't talk about out loud sometimes as I'm still trying to deal with them on my own. And yes, I still sometimes hold my breath waiting for hours for something, anything, to happen.

This is all very cryptic- I'm sorry. It's just a lot- this is what my head is like ALL THE TIME! The plus side of this mess is that I now get to meet new people for various reasons and through various channels. And I am. And it's been really nice. A girl can always use more friends and it looks like I may have lucked into an amazing new one. He's been awesome about letting me talk and vent and just has been sweet to the max. It's nice to have someone come into your life who just accepts you as the person you are. And doesn't demand or ask anything more. I'm so blessed.

And then there's the one other huge blessing as of lately and that is that my best friend, the person who knows every dark and twisty part of me-- who is, at this point, so much a part of me that he functions almost as an extension of me-- is back. And I choose to forgive. There were moments that I needed him to be there and he wasn't, this is true. There were wrongs committed that will never quite go away but after ten years and countless moments that are some of the most defining in my life, I can't quit it. So while I know that some of you are angry or upset on my behalf and I love you all for that, I truly, truly do, just know that I'm a big girl and I can and will take care of this in my own way. Even if it's not the way others think I should. He's back, he's sticking, and I love him too much to stay angry or hold a grudge or pretend like I don't. And if he bails again- then that's the end of that. And you can all laugh and say 'I told you so' while I drink away my misery (again) but you know what's best of all, I know that those of you who really love me would never do that anyways! So even if I lose, I still win. :)

I'm excited to get BUMPED!

2010-11-03T06:17:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite authors,Megan McCafferty (who wrote some of my favorite YA books, the Jessica Darling series), has a new book coming out next spring and I think the storyline is pretty interesting...here's her blurb from her website.

"WHEN A VIRUS makes everyone over the age of eighteen infertile, would-be parents must pay teen girls to conceive and give birth to their children, making teens the most prized members of society.

Sixteen-year-old identical twins Melody and Harmony were separated at birth and had never met until the day Harmony shows up on Melody’s doorstep. Until now, the twins have followed completely opposite paths. Melody has scored an enviable conception contract with a couple called the Jaydens. While they search for the perfect partner for Melody to bump with, she is fighting her attraction to her best friend, Zen, who is way too short for the job.

Harmony has spent her whole life in religious Goodside, preparing to be a wife and mother. She believes her calling is to convince Melody that pregging for profit is a sin. But Harmony has secrets of her own that she is running from.

When Melody is finally matched with the world-famous, genetically flawless Jondoe, both girls’ lives are changed forever. A case of mistaken identity takes them on a journey neither could have ever imagined, one that makes Melody and Harmony realize they have so much more than just DNA in common.

From New York Times bestselling author Megan McCafferty comes a strikingly original look at friendship, love, and sisterhood—in a future that is eerily believable."

While this seems so far removed from our world, there are places where woman are just used or exploited for their ability to reproduce. With all the drugs we take without a thought, it seems conceivable to me that some day we may as a whole see a great struggle with child bearing. And if that did happen, imagine babies as "black market" items that could be used to bargain with. I think of the character Jennifer Garner plays in Juno--and what lengths a woman like that would go to to have a child. I imagine she'd be willing to pay a lot.

Imagine being able to genetically control your children. To determine before death specific traits like height, coloring, and certain skills or talents. Would you do it? Seems a bit like playing God to me which never works out well.

I can't wait to read this book- I think it would be a definite possibility to read in the classroom- maybe pairing it with other classics like The Scarlet Letter that touch on similar topics. Hester Prynne wouldn't be such a pariah in that society if she was willing to sell her child.

The perfect words

2010-10-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

It's so nice to see you.
Can we sit and talk for a while?
I have searched forever,
I can't imagine anything better.

Kids upon the stairway,
Couples on the sidewalk squares.
If I get to your heart soon,
I'll call a perfect afternoon.

Won't you call my number.
Don't push, but don't hesitate.
Wake me from this slumber.
Rush me, but leave time to wait.

Checkmate on my shoulder.
I'm tired of this win or lose.
Well, I'm no knight in shining armor,
But I'm no pair of dancin' shoes.
I'm no pair of dancin' shoes.

My patience ran away.
Take me with you.
You keep me holding on.
Nothin's understood
You're so confusing
Tell it to me straight

Won't you call my number.
Don't push, but don't hesitate.
Wake me from this slumber.
Rush me, but leave time to wait.

Rush me but leave time to wait
I got nothin' left to lose
But I'm no pair of dancin shoes'

♥J

We interrupt this sulking with a music break

2010-10-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

It may only work one way...but still.

Well it's good to hear your voice
I hope your doing fine
And if you ever wonder,
I'm lonely here tonight
Lost here in this moment and time keeps slipping by
And if I could have just one wish
I'd have you by my side

Oooh, oh I miss you
Oooh, oh I need you

And I love you more than I did before
And if today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed, no one can take your place
It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more than you did before
And I'm sorry it's this way
But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home
And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay

Well I try to live without you
The tears fall from my eyes
I'm alone and I feel empty
God I'm torn apart inside

I look up at the stars
Hoping your doing the same
Somehow I feel closer and I can hear you say

Oooh, oh I miss you
Oooh, oh I need you

And I love you more than I did before
And if today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed, no one can take your place
It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more than you did before
And I'm sorry that it's this way
But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home
And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay
Always stay

I never wanna lose you
And if I had to I would choose you
So stay, please always stay
You're the one that I hold onto
'Cause my heart would stop without you

And I love you more than I did before
And if today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed no one can take your place
It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more than you did before
And I'm sorry that it's this way
But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home
And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay
I'll always stay

And I love you more than I did before
And I'm sorry that it's this way
But I'm coming home I'll be coming home
And if you ask I will stay, I will stay
I will stay

:(

On getting what you want...

2010-09-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

We don't all have the courage to confront our own dream.

We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.

Oscar Wilde said: "Each man kills the thing he loves." And it's true. There mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people, who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal--when it was only a step away.

This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here.

--P.C. Rio de Janeiro Nov. 2002

"You will never be able to escape your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow..."

Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him,” his heart said. “We, people’s hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, toward its own fate. But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them—the path to their destinies, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out indeed, to be threatening place.

“So, we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.

"Because that's what makes hearts suffer most,and hearts don't like to suffer. "

From then on, the boy understood his heart. He asked it, please, never stop speaking to him. He asked that when he wandered far from his dreams, his heart press him and sound the alarm. The boy swore that, every time he heard the alarm, he would heed its message.

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon,' said the alchemist.

"Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."

From The Alchemist .

Trouble

2010-08-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

There's an old saying that states, "if you go looking for trouble you WILL find it." Most of us would agree this is spot on... but what they don't say is that the trouble you find may be more in your mind than it ever was in reality.

It is a severe breech of privacy to find someone's personal musings and assume that you have any idea what is really going on in the situation. And it's also incredibly cowardly to not fess up to your source. But that's neither here nor there.

The reality of the situation is that if two people share a past and wish to remain friends- no one should have any say in the matter but those two individuals. Being part of a romance requires us to understand and accept those things and when you can't do that your partner is left with two options-- A)to avoid the situation and be miserable or resentful or B) to continue with the friendship with or without your consent. Neither option is ideal. The ideal option would be to be a supporting partner-- to understand that the friendship was important. That love without trust is pointless and will eventually self destruct anyways.

As part of couple you have to have separate lives--and appreciate that when you come back together you'll have many things to discuss and share. Being paranoid does not lend itself to a healthy variation of that. In fact, it suggests that things weren't exactly okay to begin with.

There's no excuse for telling lies and keeping things secret but nobody lies without a reason. These issues are complex and I'm not about to try to analyze another couple. But all I can say is that if these things are happening then maybe both people need to take a step back and think and talk and stop avoiding things because they're uncomfortable-- because that's just hiding and eventually those things will resurface and it'll be ten times worse.

I'm sorry for any part I played in the mess. However, I love my friends and I value my friendships above all else and I don't apologize for that. I didn't come out here with the intent to cause trouble-- as my previous blogs explain-- this has always been my home and coming back has always been my option and my choice.

I have life that is perfectly fine. I have no reason to try to shake up anyone else's although I admit, in all honesty, that I have pressing concerns for one friend in particular today. When we're backed into a corner we don't always make the best choices, we don't always think clearly-- but being backed into that corner in the first place is kind of crappy-- so we can't really place all the blame on him. These things work two ways.

Road Trip Recaps: Days One and Two

2010-06-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

I know these are like, two weeks late but better late than never, right?!

So two Friday's ago, my car was loaded and ready to go. We set off on our great road trip and had Madison, Wisconsin as our goal for the day. That would require about twelve hours of driving. Unfortunately, this neck of the trip was pretty lame as most of us had been all over PA and Ohio and thus we weren't super inclined to stop. However, the one thing I can say about the trip is that having a goal like this for day one was awesome. We knew where we needed to go. We had a nice hotel waiting for us that we booked at an awesome price. The hotel served free dinner and breakfast and was in a very safe area. It was also pet friendly (sort of, we didn't want to pay the fee so we snuck Sparky in the back door! lol). For the first day, this kind of reassurance was really great since we were all a little nervous about everything. Also, Madison was an hour south of our first big tourist stop so it made it easy to get something big out of the way early the next day! A definite plus. Maybe this way of traveling doesn't work for everyone, but with limited time and money-- this worked for us. It was the only night we planned ahead and while the following nights weren't awful, it was a little more stressful waiting to kind of see what would happen.

Day two started off with a trip to Spring Green, Wisconsin and The House on the Rock (HOTR from here on). Now, no one can explain what the Hell this place is. The best I can do is to compare it to some crazy museum/ Ripley's Believe It or Not.

This is inside the House.

What's that behind Matt?

This thing was HUGE!

More randomness!

On and on and on! All of these will eventually be in an online album but that's a glimpse.

Really, I can't say enough to do this place justice. I don't know that I'd say it's particularly exciting- I think baby Matt wanted to kill himself many times over in the two hours we were there (and that was probably the fastest we could do it!) but it was certainly worth seeing once.

I have a bunch of things to add to this little post but it's going to take a little more time to gather the images I need! :)

From there we drove three hours to Michelle's much anticipated Machineshed restaurant which she'd heard much about from Todd and his family. It was a crazy cute environment and food is always good. Then we hauled ass to Mitchell, South Dakota and the Corn Palace. An adventure we would save for day three (our busiest day!). Stay tuned...

Walking the walk

2010-06-23T13:38:00.001-07:00

So I know I've been away for a while and I'm sorry about that. It turns out that great adventures require a lot of time. Who knew? But really that's just a convenient excuse. The truth is, that as good a writer as I like to think I am... writing about all of this is turning out to be really hard. I've opened up this window a million times it seems like but actually trying to put anything into words has been nothing short of a challenge. So today I'm holed up in my office/guest room and I am forcing myself to to this.

Please don't think that anything is wrong or that I'm miserable because everything is okay. It's just really strange. A lot has changed in less than two weeks. Which is part of why I'm doing this. I will be posting all kinds of pictures from my adventures and I'm going to go through each day of our drive soon. It'll be fun (or funny, sometimes both...). But before I do that I just needed to talk about this whole thing.

I'm here in beautiful Washington. I'm home. And it feels like I'm home. I really thought everything would feel unnatural and that I'd have a really rocky transition. I've never considered myself anything of a city girl... in fact I'm usually pretty freakin' annoyed when I'm in bigger cities because they're crowded and dirty and noisy and just... not pretty. I don't love nature but I like to see it-- I like to have the option to like it. From a distance... The thing about Seattle and it's respective suburbs is that they are the best of both worlds. These lakes and rivers, beach and streams, highways and interstates, big buildings and charming towns, vineyards and factories and they all blend beautifully. It doesn't seem like it should be possible but it is.

I thought I'd hate the driving but as hard as it is for most of you to believe (and I don't blame you!) I'm actually doing fine. No freak outs, no crazy stress... it's no worse than Morgantown on game day really.
I love my little apartment. It's charming and safe and all the people around me have been friendly except for my neighbor but every building needs a douche bag so he's just fulfilling a necessary role and he might be really nice and might have just been having a bad day so who knows. Everyone's been asking to see my little place so here are a few pictures!

The living room (the art is done by the woman I am renting from actually)

So that's all great. But this independent girl is really missing a few things. I miss you guys, my darling friends. I miss being able to call you up and go grab lunch or see a movie (there's about a million I want to see right now, but no one to see them with). I have friends here- good ones even but it's not the same as the almost family type friendships I have with so many of you. My little Herber is crusing across the country with Mama Herber as we speak so my sister from another mister is definitely missing and as happy as I am for her I just was really counting on her being around and I miss that too.

I miss the idea of just being able to stop in at Sheena's and loaf of her couch-- even though I don't do it very often the option was nice. I miss knowing that Mike will listen to all my crazy stories and put up with my crazy moods without complaining, and he'll even do it while buying me a really great dinner. I miss being able to stop at the mall and see Josh or my brother... who I am really missing more than I thought I would (no offense Andrew!). I'm missing the gossip at Maurice's and walking over to get coffee for everyone but me. And even though Michelle just left, I'm already missing my Hawk. I think I'm just missing being important to people's lives. Here my friends really have learned to live without me... if I even mattered that much in the first place (which isn't bitter- it's realistic- I'm not going to be important to everyone I know and I'm okay with that!)... these lovely people don't need me to make their world go round. And I feel weird trying to butt back in...

This isn't as emo as it sounds-- I'm not locked in some dark apartment listening to The Cure and crying until my eyeliner runs down my cheeks-- I'm just reflecting on everything. And being honest.

I'll definitely feel better once I have a job-- not because of the money but because like it or not, that's the type of person I am. I need something to do. I can't stand the feeling of just waiting around for life to happen TO me-- I want to be an active participant. I need to learn how to relax a little too though. I can kill a few hours reading and maybe even take a week off here and there but that's about it... so now that my free and open time has officially began, it's time to practice just being still...

Alright my darling friends- open to advice. What do you love about living alone and what do you hate?

Thank You's

2010-06-09T10:00:00.001-07:00

It's the official and very final last day of my first year teaching. I've talked endlessly about all the things I've been thinking about and over the last few weeks but I wanted to take a moment to say two very important words to a few different people-- thank you (my blog title really had you guessing, I'm sure) but rather than just gush- I'm going to give you a nice little list of things I'm beyond grateful for this year (and yes, chances are that I am crying when I write this but in a good way):

1. Fairmont Senior High School staff and administration-- I, obviously, would never have had this experience if Mr. Chad Norman hadn't believed in me enough to give me a job and since then he has done everything in his power to make this school more than a job to me, he's made it another home. Some people wake up every day dreading their work-- I usually cannot wait. I'm never afraid of bad news, never afraid to mess up and it's because of the support I get from him and everyone else that I can feel that way. So the biggest of thank yous to my FSHS team, especially Toni, Sarah, Penny, Linda, Mary, Chris, Adrin, and Janet, for taking me into their capable hands and letting me fly.

1.5 I would have never made it through the year without Ms. Sarah Toman-- as someone who has been the new girl many, many times over I know how hard it can be to just be more than invisible. Amazingly, when you share the role-- it can be a LOT of fun. Sarah and I have shared hotel rooms, names (first and last- they're interchangeable), students, recognitions, as well as many trials and errors and having someone to go through all of that with has been just fantastic. I honestly think this experience wouldn't have been as great without her!

2. Not to be thought of as second in any way- my amazing friends. Mike, Sheena, Josh, Michelle, and John-- you guys have been sounding boards for every good day, every bad day, and every WTF moment. You have allowed me to bounce lesson plans off you, helped me come up with new ideas, helped me to see my subject matter in a different light, and you have done it all without any complaint and nothing but pure patience. Your insights and guidance and more than that, your unyielding love make me the person I am-- and if I am any kind of good teacher a lot of that is because you guys set the bar so high when it comes to caring and helping that I can't help but strive to live up to it. There has never been a time when I felt alone or lost because I knew that no matter what-- I could come to any one of you and you would listen and pick me up, dust me off, and set me back on track. I love you all so very, very, very much.

3. My teachers and professors and mentors from the WVU Benedum Teacher Education Program- unlike high school, you guys actually prepared me for what this year would be like. When I began this year-- I wasn't scared. I knew the drill, I knew what to expect (in a lot of ways), I knew who I was as a teacher-- and you all helped me figure that out. There's a reason we're one of the model education programs in the country. And thank you for having me back as a Professional Development Coordinator and trusting me with that job. To be welcomed back into a program I loved so much is a beautiful blessing.

4. My kiddos- thank you for trusting me, for letting me in to your lives, for making every day such a joy. Thank you for making me laugh, for challenging me, and for inspiring me with the amazing ways that you view the world, respond to life, and ultimately continue on your journey to finding yourself.

There's so many more people and things that I am grateful for but I'd be here forever if I kept going. And now, the lights are slowly clicking off one by one, the halls have quieted, hugs have been exchanged, and the smell of summer is in the air.

So again, thank you for those who have been a part of this incredible chapter of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you-- and now, on to the next.

Wish me luck!

End of the Year Reflections (read- boring teacher post)

2010-06-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

This is the end of my first year teaching. In so many ways, I can't believe it's here. There's still so much I want to do, to teach, to share but alas, time has run out. Last Friday the kids cleaned out there lockers- today there are a slim few taking finals and tomorrow will be next to nothing. Then it's just a matter of turning the lights off and locking the door.

I'm ready to start over, to try again, to do things better than before. I'm ready to improve upon myself and my teachings I am full of ideas and enthusiasm and I am told that this is not the most common thing in the world for first year teachers- a lot of people joke that they're impressed I'm coming back at all with the ninth grade class we've had this year. But teaching to me is home- there's simply nothing else I'd want to do.

I am never disappointed with my job choice. Oh sure, there's days here and there that I am frustrated or overwhelmed by some of the paperwork or requirements of teachers but ultimately this job kind of defines who I am. I don't think that's a bad thing. I've been a teacher for as long as I can remember-- I taught my little brothers to tie their shoes, I taught my mom how to cook a Boca burger, I taught myself how to play piano and guitar (a little lol)... teaching is just what I do. I'm certainly not saying I'm a great or perfect teacher- I have MILES to go before I sleep on that one- but I think it is a very big part of who I am as a person. And the nicest thing about it is I can take it with me where ever I go.

So needless to say, as this year comes to a close I'm sad. I am not someone afraid of goodbyes because I know they're a necessary part of life-- but I am sad to close the door on what has been so truly wonderful. However, that being said- I cannot wait to begin again!

This summer I'll find some little job doing Lord knows what (retail wise, get your minds out of the gutter) and I'll spend a lot of time planning and prepping (knowing now that I actually HAVE a job and also knowing what I'll be teaching helps a bunch!) for next year. I'll have a notebook full of plans and bellringers and rubrics and all of that good stuff so that when it comes August 18th and I am finding my way back here (barring some very unusual circumstances) I will be ready to go.

15 Days to go and the Nerves Kick into Overdrive

2010-05-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

(Source)

There are now officially only 15 days left until I leave. With a school year wrapping up, I just can't believe how crazy the next few weeks are going to be. I'm so excited and proud of what kids have accomplished this year and I feel like I've learned every bit as much as them! I think that's what teaching is all about... learning how to stumble and then pick yourself (and your kiddos) back up. I don't know why, but when I first sat this very desk in August I thought about that silly expression-- if a tree falls in an empty wood, does it make a sound?

I have no idea what the heck that expression is getting at and I'm not trying to figure it out now (though insights are nice) but the reason it popped into my head was because all of sudden I was a tree in an empty wood. No more host teachers, education class, curriculum and instruction seminars. No more documentation notebooks, CNTS (characteristics of the novice teacher), and five page Benedum lesson plans. I was flying solo-- and if I failed at my job-- who would see it? Who would know? And I think, for a lot of people, that's really freeing. I know a lot of my friends and fellow first year teachers relished that fact above all others. But it scared me a little. You see, I like to be held accountable. I like to know that there are expectations and that I'm not only rising to them, but surpassing them. I like the Dean's List-- and the President's List even more. But out here, in the real world... how would I know how I'm doing?

I think that's probably a lot like living on my own. I just haven't had to do it. I haven't been forced to do anything completely on my own and now that it's approaching I'm kind of freaking out, just like I did my first day in this building. I'm scared of messing up and not knowing until it's too late to change anything. I'm scared of getting to the end and finding out I did everything wrong. I'm not actually scared of doing anything I'm just scared of... the outcome? It's complicated even for me.

Yet, here I sit today-- with a week and a half left of the school year and I watch my kids and see where they are and reflect (oooh, CNT # 8: the novice teacher is a reflective practitioner) on where they came from and I realize that all of those standards that I was missing-- well, they've just taken on a new form. I'm no longer measured on paper, but in actions. My students can quote The Odyssey, they can explain Juliet's famous "what's in a name" speech, they can use the word "quaff" in a sentence (properly!).

But even better than all of that, I get to see how my kids have grown, I get to watch them step out of their comfort zones and speak to kids they wouldn't go near at the beginning of the year, I can watch my catty girls actually pause for a moment before saying things, and I can see shy students signing up to run for class office. These things don't mean a lot to most people, in all fairness, most people never see them. However, they mean everything to me. They are my President's List and my evaluations. Watching a kid light up when they know the answer to something and watching them puzzle through a problem instead of simply putting down the pencil and giving up-- those are my rewards. And they're pretty amazing ones at that.

So my point with all this cheesiness is, that this summer, while I'm a little bit terrified at the moment, is going to be just fine. I'm not going to fail and if I mess up- I'll fix it. I can stand on my own two feet-- I've been doing it in the classroom for years now and in a lot of ways, my feet have been holding up others (namely my family) for years. No one likes to fall but then again, no one needs to know when I stumble (unless they see me do it- or, you know, I write about it here! lol) and I can and will pick myself back up if I do. I have never backed away from a challenge or an adventure and this summer in Washington will be a little bit of both.

Dollars and Sense

2010-05-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

It's officially official now! In less than three weeks I'll be hitting the road and I am so excited but also starting to get neeeerrrrrvous! With the check in mail it seems all I have left to do is pack up and plan my route. I've got Michelle and Matt as co-pilots so now I'm significantly less scared about the drive. Things are coming together and that's exciting!

And since the first rent check is in the mail (yes, that is, in fact, a Disney check! As I was writing this check) I'm really beginning to realize that while this decision is a weighty one and it's not coming cheap, if I am sensible (hence the spelling in the title-- I do know the difference between cents and sense-- I am an English teacher!) about my spending I'll be just fine.

Of course, even the best of plans can fall short but I feel like, in just the last few months, I've really learned the value of saving. I know, I know. At 24 I should already know it but I've been lucky to never need a "fall back" plan. Now I do. It's hard to save especially when life happens. All of a sudden I need $600.00 tires, ouch but it has to be done. In December my puppy needed thousands of dollars worth of surgery and if it hadn't been for some careful saving, we might have all suffered needlessly, him most of all.

I feel like I've come a long way in terms of financial responsibility this year and I am SURE I have a lot more to learn!

I try to live in the moment most days but it seems with money, you just can't do that. Which is something my grandfather spent so much time trying to teach me. I feel like he'd be smiling down on my "duh" moment. What have you learned when it comes to money? Any great tips? Any good anecdotes?

The countdown is on...

2010-05-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

With 23 days until I set off on my first big solo adventure I thought it would be a great time to set up my blog so here it is. It's my sincere goal to keep this puppy up to date (at least twice a week) while I'm away this summer but we'll see how it goes...

So before I leave there are many things I have to do but also some things I have to explain. When I tell people my summer plans I get a lot of different reactions that range from excitement to concern to annoyance (that mainly from my mother whom I have never really 'left' before) and without a doubt, the thing I most get asked is, "why?!" Why would I spend the summer so far from home, why would I spend the money for no reason, why would I leave my friends/family/SO (significant other for future reference) and while I don't think I need to explain myself to people I really don't mind. I think most people ask out of concern and since their hearts are in the right place it's really not a huge deal. So, before I start my trip-- here are some of the reasons behind it.

First, as anyone who knows me will tell you-- I'm from Washington. And it will always be my true home. Whenever anyone asks me where I'm from I still answer WA and then explain that I moved here 8 years ago. The majority of my life was spent there and I loved it. But I also love an adventure and a challenge so leaving, while not fun, was a necessity when my parents split homes and apparently, sides of the country.

Secondly, my family is still there and we were all really tightly knit. I love my extended family and I miss them dearly. We do lame things like have karaoke nights, Christmas in July parties, dinners, etc. And I'd love the chance to participate again.

Thirdly, and similarly, my Grandmother all but raised me and she and my grandpa were/are the most important people in the world to me. My grandmother has had a difficult time lately from the loss of Papa to being forced to move from our small town to Seattle to an assisted living facility-- something she NEVER wanted. My family is busy and she doesn't get to see them a lot and I just don't want to miss out on whatever time I have left with her... this is one of my biggest motivators and it's also one of the most difficult to discuss.

Fourthly, I have never lived alone and I have never supported myself solely and I want to do it! I want the adventure, the excitement, and I'm at the place in my life where I can do it and still come back to a great job and a great second home! Why wouldn't I?!

Fifthly, I can afford it. It's going to be tight but I've been saving and I plan on working (which pays bank out there, HOLLA!) and saving more (I will have saved enough to pay all my rent/travel/utilities up front so all I need is "living" money). Which might actually put me ahead.

And lastly, because I WANT to. I have always wanted to go home and I finally can. I can also have a very low key summer, something that I won't allow myself to do here. I can spend time sitting on the beach (yes, Seattle has beaches!) and getting fit and lesson planning and so on and so forth. And after a stressful first year (which I loved) I feel like I've earned it. And that should be more than reason enough.

I'm lucky to have a family and friends and man who supports my desire to do this. No one has tried to stop me and that makes this all the more special to me. I'm 24 and I have a lot I want to do. What better time to start than now? I worked my ass off all through college for this kind of opportunity so I'm taking it!

I can't wait to start and to let you all know how it goes! I promise to not sugar coat anything, to hide anything (much, lol), and to be real. You'll know the good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly because I'm not afraid to share it! There will be pictures and video and all kinds of goodies so my darlings, most of you probably won't even have a chance to miss me!

And until I leave, I'll use this little thing to keep you all informed of the prep work and the end of my first year as a teacher and so on! So stay tuned-- you (hopefully) aren't going to want to miss it!